Your Ego isn’t Your Enemy

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | May 16, 2025

In this post, we’ll explore how the ego shapes our identity, filters our experiences, and holds onto conditioned beliefs rooted in early life. By understanding how the ego operates—not as an enemy, but as a well-meaning protector—we can begin to loosen its grip and move toward a more authentic, grounded version of ourselves.

“As we expand our level of conscious awareness, we can see that we are not our ego stories…

Thoughts happen to us. They don’t mean anything about who we are.

They’re simply our ego attempting to defend our identity and protect us from pain.”

— Dr. Nicole LePera, How To Do The Work

Everyone has an ego. You can think of it as the part of you that helps manage everyday life. It’s not the same thing as your whole personality—just one piece of it. The ego’s job is to balance your deeper urges with what’s realistic and socially acceptable. It helps you think through your actions and make choices that work in the real world.

The ego doesn’t just help us function in daily life—it also creates the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how the world works. A protective mechanism, safeguarding the conditioned beliefs and patterns we've developed over time. These conditioned responses often stem from early life experiences and societal influences, especially those tied to safety, love and belonging. 

Because of this protective mechanism, the ego is key in understanding why you might keep yourself stuck.

Why does your ego create and maintain a hurtful story? 

“A hurtful why will always be more appealing than an uncertain reality.”

-- Dr. Nicole LePera

Once we’ve formed stories about who we are, the ego filters incoming information to reinforce and reflect those beliefs. Our conditioned minds rely on “confirmed” beliefs as a way to keep consistency and certainty. The ego resists change to maintain a sense of safety and identity, even if these patterns no longer serve our well-being. 

By becoming aware of this dynamic, we can begin to gently challenge and reprogram these ingrained patterns, leading to personal growth and a more authentic self. In other words, by breaking the cycle that keeps you stuck, you have the opportunity to learn the truth about who you really are.

How to Naturally Support Dopamine

If you’ve been feeling low on motivation, joy, or energy, dopamine might be part of the story. This feel-good brain chemical helps regulate mood and drive—and the good news is, there are simple, natural ways to boost it.

See below for a 6-step downloadable guide on how to boost your baseline.

Intentional Drinking

A Mindful Approach to Alcohol

How to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol to improve your mental and physical health.

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | May 8, 2025

For many people, drinking has become something we do without thinking—after work, at social events, to wind down, or to avoid discomfort physically or emotionally. It’s so woven into daily life that we rarely pause to ask why we’re reaching for a drink in the first place. Have you ever caught yourself agreeing to “one more” just because?

But what if we brought more awareness to the role alcohol plays in our lives?

In recent years, more people are reexamining their relationship with alcohol—not necessarily to quit, but to feel more in control. This shift towards ‘rethinking the pour’ is fueled by new research highlighting the physical and mental health effects of even moderate drinking (2 drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women), along with a broader cultural movement toward mindful, intentional living. A new 2025 federal study done by Interagency Coordinating Committee for the Prevention of Underage Drinking (ICCPUD) shows that health effects due to alcohol consumption include greater risk of certain cancers and diseases and a reduced life-expectancy, just to name a few. 

Intentional drinking is one way to meet that desire for change or improvement with your health. Intentional drinking is not about rules or restriction—it’s about paying attention. It is the practice of being mindful and deliberate about your relationship with alcohol. Rather than drinking out of habit, social pressure, or to escape discomfort, intentional drinkers pause to ask:

Why am I drinking? Do I really want this? How will it make me feel afterward?

This approach encourages self-awareness over autopilot, and curiosity over judgment. It’s not about abstinence (though it can be for some), but about making choices that align with your values, mental health, and physical well-being. 

So, how do we actually begin? 

Follow these steps below for building a healthier, more empowered relationship with alcohol. 

1. Get Clear on Your “Why”

Before you drink, pause and ask yourself: Why do I want this right now? Is it to connect? To cope? To avoid? Simply building awareness around your motivations can help shift unconscious habits. You can also consider why you are wanting to make changes with your relationship to alcohol and why you’d like to be more mindful about your consumption.

2. Notice the Effects

Start paying attention to how alcohol affects your mood, energy, and relationships—not just in the moment, but the day after. Tracking patterns (mentally or in a journal) can help you make choices that better support your well-being. You are not alone if you experience heightened anxiety the day after consuming a few drinks. 

3. Reclaim Your Yes and No

You don’t have to say yes just because it’s offered, expected, or “just one.” Give yourself full permission to say no when it doesn’t feel aligned—and yes when it does. Even though ‘no’ is a full sentence, most will not feel comfortable with such directness. If that is you, rehearsing how you might decline a drink in a social setting can help you feel more prepared.  

For many, it really is about the drinking experience! If that is part of your ‘yes,’ use those opportunities to practice mindfulness and to savor each sip: Admire the flavors of your drink, notice the texture or carbonation in it, the glassware specifically chosen for the beverage, and bonus points if you consider the minds and hands behind the alcohol and creation of the drink.

4. Create Rituals That Don’t Rely on Alcohol

Build other ways to unwind, celebrate, or socialize that don’t center around drinking. Find sober activities! Think mocktails, movement, book clubs, art, or time in nature—whatever brings real joy and connection. Also consider who in your life holds similar values and might want to join you in finding interests outside of bar culture or  want to take a more mindful approach to how they consume alcohol. You might be surprised by who in your life has become more curios about sobriety or limiting the amount or occasions in which they choose to drink.

5. Set Boundaries That Support You

This could mean limiting how often, how much, or where you drink. Boundaries aren't about punishment—they're about clarity and care. Perhaps you are open to having a drink to celebrate a big life event like a wedding or a job promotion, but keeping liquor in the home is an unnecessary trigger for mindless consumption. If you experience social anxiety and often reach for alcohol to cope, getting more selective about the types of social events you attend is one way of taking care of yourself with an appropriate boundary.

Tempering, switching to low or no-alcohol content beverages, is another way to create boundaries or limits with your drinking. Consider the ABV and volume of your beverage.  Knowing what the standard one drink equates to might help you make informed decisions. For reference: 1.5 fluid ounces of a distilled spirit is equivalent to 5 fluid ounces of wine and 12 fluid ounces of a 5% beer. Given the growing trend towards sobriety and intentional drinking, there are now many beverage options available that give you a similar experience, but remain zero-proof. 

6. Lead with Curiosity, Not Shame

If you notice discomfort when trying to drink more intentionally, you’re not doing it wrong—you’re just becoming more conscious. That discomfort is often a sign that you're beginning to disrupt old habits and bring more awareness to parts of your life that were previously automatic. It can feel awkward, uncertain, or even emotional—and that’s okay.

Healthy change isn’t about perfection. It’s not about rigid rules, all-or-nothing thinking, or needing to “get it right.” Real growth is often nonlinear and messy. There may be moments when you default to old patterns, feel unsure of your choices or receive unwanted feedback about your approach. What matters is not staying stuck there, but meeting yourself with honesty and self-compassion.

This process is less about controlling your behavior and more about understanding yourself. Be curious. Be patient. Let discomfort be a teacher, not a reason to give up. You're practicing something new—and that deserves gentleness.

The Takeaway

Intentional drinking isn’t about following strict rules or striving for perfection—it’s about bringing awareness to your choices and aligning them with how you truly want to feel. By pausing to reflect, honoring your needs, and staying curious about your habits, you can build a healthier, more empowered relationship with alcohol—one that supports your well-being, not just your routines.

Please Note: If you experience cravings for alcohol, a compulsion to drink or withdrawal symptoms, intentional drinking may not be for you. In some cases where there is concern for an Alcohol Use Disorder, working with a professional to address your relationship with alcohol may be more appropriate. Treatment options are available and include: detoxification, inpatient rehabilitation, intensive outpatient programming, medication assisted treatment (MAT) and mutual support meetings.

To find help for an addiction or other substance use needs, please visit SAMHSA for resources and finding support.

If you have a loved one you’d like to speak to about their substance use, check out this article, How To Support a Loved One With Addiction, for more information.

Roll with the resistance

How to Work with the Help-Rejecting Client

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | May 5, 2025

Some clients come to therapy asking for help—then resist every suggestion you offer. It’s not defiance. It’s a defense.

As a therapist, understanding the help-rejecting client means moving beyond frustration and into deeper empathy. This means acknowledgment of resistance as a form of protection, not opposition.

This article will offer a framework for understanding what the help-rejecting clients is, and a breakdown of how to best approach this dynamic in the therapeutic relationship.

Help-rejecting clients are often described in clinical terms as having "help-rejecting complaining" traits. These clients frequently present with complaints and suffering, yet subtly (or overtly) resist any suggestions, reframing, or offers of help. From a psychodynamic perspective, this is seen not as defiance, but as an expression of deeper psychological pain and wounding.

Understand the Defense, Not Just the Behavior

Therapists should view help-rejecting behavior as a defense mechanism, meaning it is a tactic for avoiding uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. Rejecting help is often rooted in early experiences of:

• Neglect or inconsistent care

• Shaming or punishing responses to vulnerability

• A history of help being unreliable, controlling, or humiliating

These clients may have internalized the belief that accepting help is unsafe or that they are unworthy of genuine care.

So how do we meet these clients with compassion instead of conflict?

Drawing from Nancy McWilliams' psychodynamic lens, here are some thoughtful therapeutic approaches to improve engagement with help-rejecting clients without reinforcing the very patterns they fear most.

1...Stay Empathic and Non-Intrusive

Avoid pushing solutions.

Stay present and curious rather than corrective.

Validate their distress without rushing to fix it.

For example:

“It really sounds like you’ve been carrying this a long time. That sounds exhausting.”

2. Name the Pattern—Gently, Over Time

Only once trust is established, reflect the relational pattern with compassion:

“I notice that when we explore ideas for support, something in you seems to pull away. I wonder what that feels like for you.”

3. Don’t Get Pulled into Power Struggles

Therapists may feel frustrated, helpless, or even rejected themselves. Avoid trying to “win” cooperation, which often recreates the dynamic of control the client is defending against.

Instead, model emotional neutrality and hold space without agenda.

4. Honor Their Need for Autonomy

Help-rejecting clients often have a deep fear of dependency. In Psychoanalytic Diagnosis (2011), McWilliams advises therapists to frame any exploration as collaborative, not directive.

You might say:
“You know yourself best—would it feel okay to sit with a few options, without needing to choose any right now?”

5. Use the Therapeutic Relationship as a Healing Model

The goal is not to get the client to “accept help,” but to slowly build a relationship where help doesn’t feel threatening.

You’ll know there is progress when you see your client is able to tolerate feeling cared for without shame or suspicion.

✧

Learning to roll with resistance doesn’t just apply to the client—it applies to us, too.

Supporting help-rejecting clients isn’t only about clinical interventions; it also requires noticing what gets activated in us. For any therapist, tending to those internal responses, better known as our countertransference, is just as essential as any technique we use in the room.

Working with this help-rejecting dynamic can stir up frustration, helplessness, or self-doubt. It can often lead to feelings of inadequacy or irritation or a strong urge to prove your value or “be helpful.”

Examining your own experience in the therapeutic relationship and utilizing supervision when necessary can help you avoid acting on those impulses. This reflection work on the part of the therapist and the feelings that arise can provide valuable pieces of information about the client's early relational dynamics and their inner world.

In summary, don’t try to out-help the help-rejecting client. Instead, roll with the resistance. Build a space where being helped feels safe, empowering, and shame-free—even if that process is slow and nonlinear.

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.”

—Brené Brown

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

Surfing the Urge

Cravings and big emotions can feel like overwhelming waves, but remember: you don’t have to drown in them. With urge surfing, you can ride through each swell with awareness, knowing it will pass.

Ready to learn how to stay steady when the wave hits? Let’s dive in.

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | April 23, 2025

“I am not afraid of storms,

for I am learning how to sail my ship.”

--  Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

Urge surfing is a mindfulness technique that helps you manage unwanted behaviors by acknowledging and accepting urges without judging or acting on them.

Use the steps below as a guide to surfing the wave:

1. Identify the physical sensation of the urge

2. Visualize the urge as a wave that builds up, peaks, and then subsides

3. Observe the urge without fighting it

4. Ride out the urge until it passes...

Like real waves, urges rise and fall—they don’t last forever. The more you practice observing rather than reacting, the more your nervous system learns that you’re safe, even in discomfort. Urge surfing isn’t about willpower or resistance—it’s about building awareness, staying present, and trusting the temporary nature of emotional and physical impulses.

With time, urge surfing strengthens your ability to pause, reflect, and choose responses that align with your long-term values rather than short-term relief. For example, someone with an addiction might use this technique to sit with the discomfort of a drug craving—observing the urge without reacting or using, and instead, allowing it to pass. This practice not only helps prevent relapse, but also builds self-trust and reinforces the recovery process.

Each time you choose to ride the wave instead of reacting to it, you're practicing a new kind of resilience. Be patient and curious with yourself. Don’t judge your urges. Every urge you surf is a step toward greater self-regulation, freedom, and trust in your own inner stability.

Understanding Emotional Enmeshment with Parents

When our parents’ pain feels like our own and how to heal from this childhood emotional role.

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | April 27, 2025

Have you ever felt deeply unsettled—even heartbroken—watching your parents struggle with life? Maybe they seem lonely, disappointed, or just weighed down, and it leaves you feeling anxious, guilty, or even responsible.

This reaction often isn’t about what's happening now—it’s a window into what you learned in childhood.

When we feel overly responsible for a parent’s emotions, it can mean that, early on, we had to monitor their moods to feel safe or connected. If you learned that your parent’s happiness (or distress) affected the emotional climate of your home, your nervous system likely adapted to the narrative of  “If they’re not okay, I’m not okay.”

You may have been emotionally attuned to them before you even knew what your own needs were. This dynamic is sometimes called emotional enmeshment or parentification—where the child becomes the caregiver, peacekeeper, or emotional anchor. Many children navigate their childhoods perceiving themselves as responsible for keeping the peace and carry a deep longing to make things right for their parents. This ultimately leads to a struggle with their own emotional development. They build narratives around the idea that if they can control how they behave, this will help keep the peace or emotional stability of the household. Examples of this include: Becoming the emotional confidante, taking on adult responsibilities, emotional suppression, or perfectionism. When there is perceived instability, these children may feel ultimately responsible and become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. 

It’s not about blame—it’s about insight. You were doing what you had to do to feel connected. When there is inconsistent emotional safety, you might establish an emotional reflux to keep relationships intact. In other words, you learn to stay hyperaware to maintain connection, even at the cost of your own well-being. Enmeshment can lead to codependency, where you, the child, becomes overly reliant on your parent for emotional support, approval and validation. This can create difficulties in the development of your sense of self and independence. This in turn can lead to “people-pleasing” behaviors in adulthood with relationships outside of the family and a tendency to neglect your own emotional needs.

The healing work begins when you ask: Where did I learn to feel responsible for someone else's pain? What does it look like to care from compassion instead of guilt?

You can love your parents without carrying their suffering as your own. Compassion doesn’t require self-sacrifice. This isn’t abandonment—it’s boundary work rooted in self-trust and emotional freedom. In fact, separating their pain from your responsibility is an act of love—for them and for yourself. It’s the process of learning to honor your emotional limits while still showing up with care. From there, you can revisit the practice of being open and honest about your own feelings while  sustaining any fears of being “too much.” 

Letting go of guilt doesn’t mean letting go of love. It means choosing a healthier way to hold it - with more clarity, more space, and less harm to yourself or self-sacrifice.

How to Support a Loved One with Addiction

A CRAFT-Based Guide to Staying Connected Without Enabling

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | April 23, 2025

When someone you care about is struggling with substance use, it’s natural to feel helpless, scared, and unsure of what to do. You want to help—but you don’t want to enable. You want to set boundaries—but you don’t want to push them away. It’s a painful and confusing space to be in.

That’s where the CRAFT model comes in.

CRAFT stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training. It’s a research-backed approach designed to help family members and close support systems learn how to effectively encourage a loved one toward treatment—without ultimatums, guilt-tripping, or cutting them off.

As a therapist, I’ve seen CRAFT empower families and partners with tools that are not only compassionate and practical—but actually work.

Here’s a guide of how it works:

1. Understand What You’re Dealing With

CRAFT starts by educating loved ones on what addiction is—not just a series of bad decisions, but a complicated behavioral pattern shaped by reward, habit, and pain systems in the brain.

Knowing this helps shift the mindset from:

“Why won’t they just stop?” to “What’s reinforcing this behavior, and how can we shift that?”

2. Notice What is Reinforcing the Substance Use

CRAFT teaches that people keep using substances because something about it “works” for them—whether it’s escaping stress, numbing pain, or just feeling normal for a moment. Their substance of choice should give insight into what they may be “treating” within themselves.

Your job isn’t to fix them—but to start recognizing how your responses might be (unintentionally) supporting the behavior.

Examples:

• Are you giving money when they’re short because they spent it on substances?

• Are you cleaning up their messes so they don’t face consequences?

This isn’t about blame—it’s about becoming more conscious of what’s keeping the cycle going.

3. Use Positive Reinforcement for Healthy Behavior

Here’s something refreshing: CRAFT isn’t about punishment. It’s about learning how to reinforce positive change, even in small doses.

Did they come home sober one night? Keep a therapy appointment? Go 24 hours without using?

Notice it.

Name it.

Appreciate it.

When you consistently reward healthier choices (with time, attention, calm conversation), you’re giving their brain a reason to keep trying.

4. Improve Communication Without Fighting

CRAFT encourages clear, kind, and assertive communication. That means less yelling, fewer power struggles, and no more walking on eggshells. Try using “I” statements and avoid blaming language. 

Instead of saying:

“You’re ruining your life!”

You might try:

“I care about you, and I get scared when I see how much you’re using. I’d love to talk when you’re ready.”

This approach respects both your boundaries and their autonomy—two things that are crucial when trying to keep connection without enabling.

5. Support Treatment—But Let It Be Their Choice

A major goal of CRAFT is helping loved ones be more likely to accept help—without being forced. CRAFT has been shown to be more effective than interventions that rely on confrontation or cutting people off.

You’re not trying to control their timeline. You’re helping create an environment where choosing help feels safe and supported. When they are ready to accept help, be ready to help. Have resources available or someone for your loved one to speak to further about their addiction.

final thoughts

Supporting someone through addiction is emotionally exhausting—but you don’t have to choose between doing everything and doing nothing.

CRAFT offers a third option: Stay connected. Set boundaries. Reinforce hope. All while taking care of yourself, too.

If you’re navigating this with someone you love, consider finding a therapist or support group to help ensure you are prioritizing your own emotional needs. Al Anon is one commonly sought out mutual aid resource for family and friends who have been affected by a loved one’s addiction. Support groups are a helpful reminder that you are not alone in this struggle. With the right tools, it is possible to make meaningful change—without losing your sanity, your compassion, or your connection.

Want a printable version of this guide? See below:

The Burnout Loop

When stress feels safer than stillness.

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | April 8, 2025

If you’re a New Yorker or a high-performing professional, burnout might feel like a default setting. You’re used to pushing through long days, jumping from meeting to meeting, squeezing in workouts, social events, working while you eat, deadlines—and somehow, still feeling behind.

But burnout isn’t just being tired. It’s your nervous system waving the white flag while also establishing a vicious cycle.

Many of my clients describe the same cycle: they finally take a break, only to find themselves anxious, restless, or making impulsive choices they later regret. They book a weekend off and immediately fill it with social plans or long overdue chores. They try to relax, but end up doom-scrolling, working late, or obsessively checking their inbox. Substance use is a common technique for the chronically stressed to “unwind.” 

Jeopardizing your free time isn’t self-sabotage—it’s your nervous system mistaking rest for danger.

When your body has adapted to constant stress, stillness can feel unfamiliar—sometimes even threatening. This is a state where burnout, a form of exhaustion caused by prolonged stress, leads to individuals feeling like a shadow or a shell of their former self - drained of vitality and joy.

When you are this drained, finding the motivation to make healthy choices to get out of the stress cycle might feel nearly impossible. 

Consider the following questions:

Even though you feel drained, is there a part of you that’s more comfortable in chaos than in calm?

Is this part unclear on who you are without being busy, needed, or productive?

Does this part panic when things slow down, and unconsciously create stress to get back to what feels “normal?”

Is this part fixated on what’s coming next and is it louder than the part that is begging for a break?

If you’ve spent years running on adrenaline, your nervous system wires itself around urgency. When things finally get quiet, your brain might send out an internal alarm: Something’s wrong. This is too quiet. Too still. Too unsafe. You may find yourself resisting rest. 

Why does this happen?

High levels of stress lead to surges of dopamine, triggered by a sense of urgency, survival and staying ahead. Resting equates to low levels of dopamine, often leading to feelings of boredom and emotional discomfort. 

New York City is known as the “city that never sleeps.” New York is also a city that rewards the hustle culture and overworking becomes a form of identity. The dopamine hits of deadlines, crises, and constant movement keep us going.

If you’ve experienced trauma, instability, or constant performance pressure, your brain may not associate safety with peace—but instead, with doing, fixing, and staying on guard. Some may consciously fear how trauma will rise up if they actively slow themselves or their lives down.

How can we begin to heal?

You may want off the rollercoaster ride, but you can’t white-knuckle your way into rest. You have to teach your nervous system that stillness is safe.

Here are some tips on how to do just that:

Start with micro-rest
Begin with 30 seconds of stillness. Let your body get used to the idea of not being “on.” You can gradually build on this.

Add gentle stimulation
Stillness doesn’t have to be silence. Try rhythmic breathing, rocking, soft music, or background noise that soothes instead of overstimulates (i.e. nature sounds, lo-fi music, binaural beats, classical music).

Find dopamine through safe novelty
Instead of chaos, engage in small, low-stakes pleasures: new music, trying a scenic route home, creative hobbies and activities (i.e. at-home pottery kits, fantasy novels), or solo dates.

Get curious, not critical
Ask yourself: What has stress been giving me? What is its function? Control? Identity? Validation? Then explore new ways to meet those needs—without burning yourself out.

Your nervous system deserves to know that peace isn’t dangerous, and your worth isn’t measured by how much you do (looking at you, New Yorkers). Burnout recovery isn’t just about doing less—it’s about learning how to feel safe in stillness. Talk to your therapist further about how to take steps to recover from the burnout loop.

What’s on my bookshelf?

A thoughtfully curated list of my favorite books for both therapists and clients, offering insight, healing, and growth.

1.

Attached by Amir Levine M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. explores the science of adult attachment and how it influences romantic relationships. Drawing on psychological research, the book outlines the three primary attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—and explains how these styles shape the way we connect with others. Levine and Heller provide practical strategies for understanding one’s own attachment style, improving communication, and fostering healthier relationships. Through real-life examples and expert insights, Attached offers valuable guidance for anyone seeking deeper emotional connections and more fulfilling relationships.

For therapists, this book summarizes attachment in a relatable, accessible way and offers practical approaches for improving communication, emotional regulation, and relationship security. For clients, it normalizes relational struggles and shows how attachment wounds can heal. Overall, this book is a powerful resource for deepening relational understanding and fostering meaningful change.

2.

This book shifts the conversation around trauma from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?” Using neuroscience and personal narratives, Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey explore how early experiences shape brain development, emotional regulation, and behavior. They highlight the impact of childhood adversity and offer compassionate, science-backed insights into healing and resilience. This is a must-read for trauma work as it helps to validate your experiences by reframing self-blame and shame into understanding. Perry breaks down how the brain responds to adversity and Winfrey demonstrates that change and growth are possible through safe relationships and self-awareness. If you're working through trauma, What Happened to You? is an engaging, empathic read that will provide you with both knowledge and comfort, as it makes sense of your past while guiding you toward healing.

3.

Based on her groundbreaking research, Brené Brown explores how embracing vulnerability—the willingness to show up authentically, even when uncertain or afraid—is the key to deeper connections, resilience, and wholehearted living. She challenges the myth that vulnerability is weakness, showing instead that it is the foundation of courage, creativity, and meaningful relationships. This book is an easy read that highlights an important concept that therapists are often educating clients about. Brown takes it a step further by providing tools to cultivate self-compassion and resilience.

If you struggle with perfectionism, self-doubt, or emotional walls, The Power of Vulnerability offers a transformative perspective on how to live more courageously and authentically.

4.

This collection by the Holistic Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera holds important work for anyone interested in improving their relationship with themselves and with others.

How to Do the Work is a groundbreaking roadmap to self-awareness, showing readers how to break free from old patterns, regulate their nervous systems, and begin deep, sustainable healing. It’s a must-read for anyone ready to face their past and reclaim their life.

How to Meet Yourself is a workbook I come back to time and time again. It holds beautifully reflective and practical exercises that help you connect with your inner world while educating you on the basics of trauma responses and mind-body connection. It’s like having a compassionate therapist in your hands—gentle, insightful, and deeply validating.

How to Be the Love You Seek is a game-changer for understanding how your past influences your relationships today. Through the lens of inner child healing and nervous system work, it empowers readers to build truly secure, conscious connections.

Together, these books are a complete healing journey—accessible, trauma-informed, and grounded in both science and heart. Every client (and therapist!) can find something life-changing within these pages and I will continue to recommend these books to most people I meet.

5.

In The Myth of Normal author Gabor Maté bridges medicine, psychology, and lived experience to explain trauma holistically. This is another great read of his that emphasizes the mind-body connection with compassion and clarity, showing how emotional wounds manifest physically. Dr. Maté

suggests that much of what we consider "normal"—from chronic stress to disconnection—is actually a reflection of deep cultural dysfunction. He explores how trauma, often hidden or misunderstood, is at the root of many mental and physical health issues. This book is refreshingly non-pathologizing and helps people understand themselves, and alleviate self-blame.

Dr. Maté’s work transforms the way we view health, trauma, and healing—and The Myth of Normal is essential reading for anyone seeking deeper understanding and wholeness.

6.

Group is a raw, honest, and surprisingly humorous memoir that offers therapists a rare window into the client’s perspective—one that is vulnerable, conflicted, and deeply human. Author Christie Tate takes readers inside her years in group therapy, sharing how a circle of strangers (and one unconventional therapist) helped her break lifelong patterns of shame, isolation, and perfectionism.

This is a must-read for other therapists as it reminds us what therapy feels like from the other side of the room: terrifying, transformative, confusing, and life-saving. This book beautifully illustrates how group therapy fosters connection, accountability, and healing—making it a compelling resource for therapists who facilitate or refer to groups.

For those interested in group therapy, this memoir is a powerful testament to the idea that healing happens not just through insight, but through connection—with others and with oneself. Reading Group is like sitting in on an unfiltered, behind-the-scenes session. It will deepen your compassion, challenge your assumptions, and renew your appreciation for the vulnerability and courage clients bring to the therapeutic process - especially in a group setting.

7.

The Sun and Her Flowers is my favorite poetry collection—and one I’ve returned to many times in my work as a therapist, particularly with clients in recovery from addiction and substance use. Kaur’s writing is raw, accessible, and deeply human, capturing the emotional arc of healing with simplicity and power.

The book is structured around themes of wilting, falling, rooting, rising, and blooming—an organic and resonant metaphor for the therapeutic process. Her poems gently touch on pain, identity, shame, love, and resilience in a way that mirrors the nonlinear path of recovery.

The artwork also deserves mention. It is simple yet evocative. It deepens the emotional impact of the poems and invites quiet reflection between the words. For many clients - especially women - this book of poems offers not only validation, but also hope—that growth is possible, and that healing doesn’t have to look perfect to be real.

Next on my reading list…

• The Tell by Amy Griffin

• The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

• When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön

• No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh

Last Updated: May 8, 2025

The Psychology of spring

A Season of Growth & Renewal

🌱 Spring is often viewed as a metaphor for renewal and transformation. A time when the natural world awakens and reasserts its vitality. From a therapist’s point of view, I find that the psychological impact of spring mirrors our own inner processes of growth and healing. The season invites us to shed the weight of winter's hibernation and introspection and emerge into a space of possibility and rejuvenation.

Like a seed resting beneath the soil, winter encourages stillness, introspection, and even hibernation. We may feel sluggish, sombre, or withdrawn in colder months. As the days grow longer and brighter, our energy and motivation begin to reawaken. Increased sunlight boosts serotonin, a key neurotransmitter for happiness. Spring naturally brings an emotional lift, reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

In the same way that budding flowers push through the soil, we too can cultivate resilience and nurture our latent strengths. The longer, brighter days serve as a gentle reminder that after periods of dormancy or emotional hardship, there is always the potential for new beginnings. This seasonal transition is symbolic of an emotional decluttering. It encourages us to reassess our personal narratives, let go of what no longer serves us, and embrace change with a renewed sense of hope and in an effort to make space for new growth.

Moreover, the communal aspect of spring—where nature seems to come alive in concert—parallels the importance of social connections in our mental well-being. Birds return, flowers open, and the world feels alive with movement. Spring inspires socialization, creativity, and openness. The warmer weather and longer days encourage reconnection—with others and with ourselves. Just as spring offers a shared experience of transformation, it reminds us of the power of community, collaboration, and support in our own journeys toward growth. 

Spring is an invitation to grow, heal, and embrace new possibilities. Just as nature awakens, so can you—step forward, bloom at your own pace, and trust that transformation is part of the journey. 🌷

Surviving the “Sunday Scaries”

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | February 23, 2025

A Therapist’s take on surviving the sensation of impending doom that ruins your weekend.

As the weekend winds down and the sun sets on Sunday evening, many of us experience a familiar sense of dread. This feeling is often referred to as the "Sunday Scaries," a form of anxiety that typically peaks as we begin to think about the upcoming work or school week. While it may feel like a common and isolated experience, it’s a reality for many people—from professionals to high schoolers.

As a therapist, I believe it's important to recognize that the Sunday Scaries aren't simply a fleeting moment of stress; they can be indicative of deeper issues that may need attention. If you find yourself cancelling social plans, struggling to get out of bed, or unable to focus or relax, it is time to learn more about this phenomenon and how to manage it effectively. 

What Are the Sunday Scaries?

The "Sunday Scaries" refers to the anxious or uneasy feeling that people experience as they approach the end of the weekend. This anxiety often intensifies as Monday morning approaches. For some, it manifests as a sense of impending doom or dread about facing responsibilities: work, school, or particular demands of life. Others may notice physical symptoms such as tightness in the chest, headaches, or restless sleep. These negative cognitive or physical symptoms can take away from “Sunday Funday.”

Though it can happen to anyone, people with high-stress jobs, demanding school schedules, or a lack of balance between work and personal life may be more prone to experiencing these feelings.

Why Do the Sunday Scaries Happen?

There are several psychological and emotional factors that contribute to the Sunday Scaries. Understanding the root causes can help you better manage the unease.

Here’s 4 reasons why:

1. Anticipation of Stress and Pressure

For many people, the anticipation of upcoming challenges, deadlines, or meetings can trigger anxiety. Thoughts about the responsibilities ahead can feel overwhelming, leading to emotional flooding and avoidance or procrastination.

2. Lack of Work-Life Balance

The Sunday Scaries may be a symptom of an imbalance between work and personal life. If someone is overworking during the week or taking insufficient time to rest and decompress, they may feel burnt out by Sunday. This can make the idea of facing a new workweek even more anxiety-inducing. A work/life imbalance might also result in spending your only free moments over the weekend completing the dreaded chores that are pushed off during the week. When chores pile up, it can take away from time one was hoping to spend having fun or relaxing. 

3. Feeling Trapped or Unsatisfied in a Job or Routine

Another common cause of Sunday Scaries is dissatisfaction with one's work, personal life, or routine. If someone feels unfulfilled or stuck in their job, the approach of Monday may bring up feelings of frustration or a sense of being trapped in a cycle they can't escape. 

4. difficulty with transitions

Humans thrive on routine. Weekends often allow for flexibility and leisure, so the abrupt shift back to the structured demands of a workweek can create a jarring sense of loss and instability. Knowledge that the carefree pace of the weekend is ending may require mental and emotional recalibration. Physiologically, the body’s internal clock may have to readjust to an earlier sleep schedule if there were disruptions due to late nights. Research in behavioral psychology and stress management has established that even minor transitions require significant adjustments, which is why even a simple day change can feel monumental.

How to Manage the Sunday Scaries

While it’s normal to feel a bit of stress as the weekend ends, there are strategies that can help you reduce anxiety and approach the upcoming week with a calm and confident mindset.

1. Create a Sunday Routine

One of the most effective ways to combat the Sunday Scaries is to establish a calming and grounding routine on Sundays - especially in the evenings. Instead of letting anxiety build as the day goes on, focus on creating a relaxing environment that calms the nervous system and strengthens calming neural pathways in the brain. This could include bringing home a bouquet of flowers to admire all week, light exercise, taking a warm evening bath, meditating, and cozying up on the couch for the most recent HBO Max episode. Building routines and establishing a peaceful environment on Sundays will gradually weaken anxiety-inducing neural pathways, effectively "rewiring" your brain to respond with less anxiety to the scariness that is Sunday. 

2. Plan Ahead

If the Sunday Scaries stem from fear of an unorganized or overwhelming week, planning ahead can be incredibly helpful. Take some time on Sunday afternoon or evening to map out your tasks for the week. Breaking larger projects into smaller, manageable tasks can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed. When you know what to expect, the unknown becomes less intimidating. Doing a brief visualization of your week can give you an improved sense of preparedness. Do yourself a favor and don’t leave the worst chores for the end of the weekend. Tackle the mental ‘to-do’ list ahead of time so you can relax by Sunday evening. If you’re commuting to an office or school, eliminate the number of decisions you have to make on Monday mornings by checking the weather and planning your outfits and/or meals the night before. Also, get yourself a daily planner. 

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is essential to managing stress and preventing burnout. Take time throughout the weekend to recharge and focus on activities that align with your values. If you need a place to start, think: sleeping in, taking your “hot girl walk,” Facetiming with family, or cooking that NYT Cooking recipe you’ve been wanting to try. Making space for self-care can provide the energy and clarity needed to face the week ahead.  

4. Become Aware of Negative Thoughts

Often, the Sunday Scaries are fueled by negative thinking patterns, such as catastrophizing or assuming the worst. It’s important to be mindful of and to challenge these thoughts when they arise. Ask yourself: “What am I actually worried about? What’s the worst that could happen, and how likely is it?” Take notice when your mind is running away with “what ifs” or getting obsessive over things like waking up on time or facing your boss about that looming deadline. Being able to recognize unhelpful patterns in your thinking helps put distance between reality and those unnecessary worries. Reframing your thoughts in a more realistic, wise and balanced way can help alleviate distress. 

5. Address Deeper Issues

If your anxiety around Sundays is rooted in dissatisfaction with your job or a feeling of burnout, it may be time to take a closer look at those issues. If burnout is severe, it can lead to unfulfilling weekends resulting from never feeling fully mentally or physically recovered from the workweek. If you find yourself worrying about the upcoming week before the clock strikes Sunday, and it’s impeding on your precious downtime, it might be time to reach out for professional support. Working with a therapist can help you explore underlying sources of unhappiness, and together, you can create a plan to address them. Sometimes, making small changes in your work habits or speaking to your employer about your workload can make a big difference. Setting boundaries for yourself can also be key to avoiding resentment about work. 

6. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

Sunday Scaries may tempt you to spend the day dissociating by binge-watching Friends, doom-scrolling or drinking alcohol. While distracting activities may temporarily relieve emotional distress or its intensity, they ultimately harm you in the long run by failing to address underlying emotions or issues. Mindfulness practices, like deep breathing, grounding techniques, or guided meditation, can help you stay in the present moment to avoid your thoughts spiraling into the future or allowing your brain to check out entirely. These practices can be especially helpful when the anxiety starts to build on Sunday evening and work best when practiced in a weekly routine. Check out a Youtube video on yoga stretches you can do from bed or dump your running stream of consciousness into a journal to clear the mind before hitting the hay. 

7. Limit Screen Time

Before bed, limit your screen time—especially exposure to work emails, social media, or negative news. Constantly consuming information or comparing your weekend to your peers’ can trigger stress, FOMO, and make it harder to wind down. Blue light emitted from your cell phone, tablet and TV, is a known sleep disruptor suppressing the production of melatonin, a hormone crucial for regulating sleep cycles. This leads to difficulty falling asleep and reduced sleep quality. Instead, opt for a good old fashioned book or relaxing binaural beats that stimulate brain waves promoting relaxation and sleep. 

8. “Treat Yo Self”

Parks and Rec was onto something when it highlighted the greatness of treating oneself. To put it simply, treating yourself means having something to look forward to and working towards that reward. How can this help with existential dread on Sundays? By planning and anticipating a “treat” in the near future, you can combat negative feelings by creating a positive focus that acts like an anchor for your mind. This can help you feel more energized and motivated to push through long days and tough tasks as it cultivates a more optimistic view of the future. This could look like splurging on the fancy coffee beverage to kickstart your Monday morning or grabbing dinner with a coworker midway through the week. The power of little indulgences can go a long way in shifting your thinking. 

 Summarizing How to Survive

The Sunday Scaries are a common experience for many, but that doesn’t mean the overwhelm has to ruin your weekend. By understanding the causes of this anxiety and implementing effective coping strategies, you can reclaim your Sundays and enjoy the start of the week with a clear mind and a calmer attitude. Remember: You don't have to face the Sunday Scaries alone, and there are steps you can take to create a balanced, fulfilling week. It all starts with self-awareness, planning, and prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being. If you find that your anxiety persists or intensifies, seeking professional support can provide the tools needed to break free from the cycle and create a healthier relationship with your work and your weekends.

“those goddamn ducks.”

Written by Emma Nagle, LCSW | November 19, 2024

How to successfully navigate complex family dynamics over the holidays based on what Tony Soprano has taught us about the importance of family.

As New Yorkers, it’s considered a crime to have never watched The Sopranos. Haven’t seen the show in a decade? You might be due for a rewatch of this beloved classic drama that depicts the head of the Italian mob, Tony Soprano, and his struggle to manage his family life and his family business. For true fans of this early 2000’s show, you’ve probably caught on to the symbolism that is those goddamn ducks swimming around in Tony Soprano’s pool causing him existential dread over his role as a father. 

The ducks in his pool represent a nuclear family that gives us a glimpse into Tony’s softer side and demonstrate his efforts to create a safe space for these ducks to swim and have their ducklings. Tony’s homemade ramp for the ducklings’ easy access in and out of the pool gives us all the evidence we need to suggest that Tony is eager to hold onto those precious moments of starting his own family. Throughout the show, preoccupation sets in for Tony about being able to contain the duck family, much like that of his preoccupation with keeping crime life out of his personal home for fear of losing his loved ones altogether. Over the course of six seasons, we watch Tony agonize over the growing disconnect between him and his teenage daughter Meadow and his on and off again marriage to Carmela. Tony becomes depressed as he witnesses the ducks flying out and away from his New Jersey suburban pool - the home he created for them. Therapy sessions with Dr. Melfi conclude that the ducks flying away from his pool symbolizes the fear of losing of his own nuclear family and subsequently his American Dream. 

As complicated as Tony’s family and business lives are, he still regretted some of his decisions that didn’t put his family first. “Those goddamn ducks” implies a tinge of resentment over how vulnerable the ducks make Tony feel. Despite the ways in which he saw his family as a vulnerability to him and his business, Tony longed for a peaceful relationship with his sister and children and to reconnect with his wife whom he pushed away against his better judgment. So what can we learn from Tony Soprano about what is most valuable to us at the end of the day? Family and connection. As complicated as families are, there is something so important about maintaining these relationships, which are often put to the test over the holidays. 

Interested in learning how to tolerate your resentments towards those ducks and how to navigate complex relationships over the holidays? Read below for some easy tips for a more peaceful and unified holiday experience:

Get in the spirit

If you’re not super excited to be spending such quality time with your family this season, it is important to find something you are grateful for and can look forward to. No need to overthink it either… Set your sights on making the crowd-pleasing dessert that perfectly matches the occasion. Or perhaps you’re more into treating yourself to a holiday-themed outfit? Not every family is going to go for matching PJs and a photoshoot, but consider what makes you feel good and excited for the holidays. If that means dressing up and having somewhere to be - go for it! Some families love to make holiday cookies. Perfecting the family recipe or taste testing a cookie sampler with a side of hot chocolate is a tried and true way to get yourself mentally prepared - and excited - for the season. Off from school or work? Now is the perfect time to rewatch all your favorite holiday-themed TV episodes - The O.C.’s beloved Chismukkah episode comes to mind and just about every season of Gilmore Girls has a delightfully complicated Christmas episode to watch for inspiration. Take a page of Lorelei Gilmore’s book for how to properly get in the holiday spirit (think Björk-snowmen and snowed in dinner parties with all of your neighbors.)

Getting in the spirit should be personal to you and should include aspects of the holiday season that you can embrace the most. 

Focus on the collective joy of the season

This means putting your energy into being a part of the group and your intentions on building healthier relationships. Our presidential election has divided the country and inevitably divided families all over the country too. Instead of focusing on your political discrepancies, focus on what values you can agree on, such as being together for the holidays. If this means tabling all politics for the season, so be it! Move away from conversations that will incite controversy and move towards conversations that will connect one another. 

Need some pragmatic ways to connect if politics are off the table?

Consider some of these ideas from the list below:

• Turkey Trot - focus the family’s attention on the impressive and hilarious Thanksgiving tradition that is running a long distance on Thanksgiving morning before feasting in the evening. Make it interesting with lighthearted bets or ridiculous outfits to run in. 

• Uphold (or invent) family traditions - for many this might look like going around the dinner table and verbalizing something each person is grateful for. It’s sentimental, it’s meaningful, and it’s sure to bring family closer together. Another easy tradition that comes to mind is the Wishbone tradition. Pick the family member you’d like to compete with, make a wish, and break that bird bone! There are many easy holiday traditions to fold into your family get togethers. Spin the dreidel and White Elephant are games that work for practically all age groups. 

• Pitch In - nothing screams louder that you’re a team player than offering your assistance to the host. Tie the apron around you and get to work with food preparation or at the end of the night, put on some rubber gloves and get to work cleaning up a dinner of epic proportions. 

• Holiday Movies - spending the night at your relatives house? An easy way to bond without risking dialogue drifting towards climate change is to watch a holiday classic together. Who doesn’t love reciting quotes from the master of Christmas spirit, Buddy the Elf? No family is immune to the wholesome message the McCallisters learn that accompanies a binge watch of the Home Alone movies. Here I might recommend avoiding The Many Saints of Newark or anything Sopranos related - the Sopranos may have some good family morals, but it comes with a side of racketeering, gambling and murder…  

Know your limits

Just because we are putting the emphasis on the collective as a family-time survival skill, does not mean that the relationships with family need to be boundaryless. Knowing your limits and how to successfully exit a conversation or a situation that is not going to benefit you or the health of the relationship is an important technique. Being able to say ‘no’ to an invite you’d like to decline is actually a strength. Being able to walk away or successfully agree to disagree when the name Trump comes up could be key to maintaining your sanity and the virtue of the holiday.

Consider whether you are the odd one out, inclined to start a risky debate after a few glasses of wine. If so, knowing your limits applies to your alcohol consumption as well. The holidays at your family members’ house is not the time to attack one’s morals or to solve the immigration crisis. Instead, stick to a drink count going into the holiday event.

If you are not the instigator of debates, you can say something like “you raise some interesting ideas… I’d like to think more about this and discuss it at another time.” Find a reason to gently exit an argument before it gets heated - offer to get started clearing the table or doing some dishes, prep the dessert in the kitchen, walk the dog… you get the idea. Removing yourself from the conflict briefly can actually protect your relationship with your ducks and keep them from flying away permanently. 

Needless to say, having some general boundaries for holiday get-togethers is key for keeping the peace unless you want a dysfunctional dinner table that rivals that of The Sopranos’.

As Tony Soprano points out to his children at the dinner table in Season 1,

“Someday soon, you’ll have families of your own.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll remember the little moments.”

These little moments of connection over food, football, holiday movies, are what help nurture our most complex family relationships during required family-time.  As the holidays approach, remember to focus on the joy of the season, redirecting your energy to the ‘collective,’ and knowing when it is time to leave.

4 Reasons to Start Therapy

Questioning whether you should be in therapy? Whether you are trying to get to know yourself better or you need to talk to someone about specific symptoms you might be noticing, therapy can benefit you at any stage in life. Below are 4 reasons to get started with therapy today.

1. Optimize your overall well-being

   You don’t have any fires to put out in life right now, but there is always room for improvement for better habits. Therapy can help you explore issues of procrastination or assist with achieving your optimal health goals. Taking time each week to learn about yourself and if there are any old narratives and habits that might be getting in the way of personal growth.

2. Heal from your past traumas

   Maybe you are functioning enough to get through your day, but you are feeling drained, lonely or discouraged. There is no perfect time to start addressing past trauma or childhood wounds; however, by getting started in therapy you are offering yourself a chance to lean into buried emotions and make meaningful changes in your life.

3. Build healthier relationships 

   Psychotherapy often focuses on how we relate with others. Beginning with a therapist gives you an opportunity to explore emotions, thoughts and behaviors that influence relationships with yourself and others around you. Whether it is an issue of not seeing eye-to-eye with a partner or a challenging relationship with a boss, therapy is a safe space to talk through uncomfortable relationship stressors. Having a neutral party to work through patterns that keep coming up helps to give attention to underlying triggers and emotions.

4. Cope with everyday stress & anxiety

   You may be used to suffering through Sunday Scaries or anxiety about stepping foot out of your routines thinking there isn’t much you can do to change these problems. Therapists can help you discover new ways of coping with stressors to bring you some relief. Education on cognitive mindfulness can be provided and reinforced in weekly sessions when symptoms of anxiety have become unmanageable. Don’t underestimate the power of allotting an hour of your week to finding ways to better be supported and ways to better support yourself.

Election anxiety

Are you feeling stressed out about the 2024 election?

As election day approaches you might be noticing an increase in stress - tension in your body, irritability, worrying thoughts and difficulty focusing.

Stress that lasts over the course of weeks or months is considered chronic. News about the election, political disagreements with family and friends and voting day right around the corner can all be leading to physiological symptoms of anxiety due to triggering stress hormones. 73% of surveyed adults from the annual APA mental health poll are feeling specifically anxious about the 2024 U.S. election. 

How to cope with election uncertainty and negativity? Here are 3 strategies to reduce that inner alarm system. 

First, start by avoiding the 24-hour news cycle. Select your few reliable news sources and mediums and limit the amount of minutes or hours you are spending staying informed about the electoral race. Nobody feels good when they are bombarded by broadcasts all day long that can be negative or catastrophisizing in nature. 

Second, mentally prepare for either candidate to win. Imagine whether you might need some space to process the outcome or a friend to celebrate with. Maybe you need to take a moment to reflect on what you might say to a loved one you have had political disagreements with. Feeling a sense of preparation regardless of the outcome can reduce feelings of nervousness and anticipation about the future.

Lastly, stop judging yourself. It is normal to have feelings about how the future will unfold in this U.S. election. It shows that you care about important issues that can influence our country. Many Americans are eager to know who will be our next president and you’re not alone in experiencing worrying thoughts in the days leading up to the election. Now might be a good time to check in with that friend who can understand your emotional stress and offer you support.

Be mindful about how you talk to yourself when it is normal to have a reaction to what goes on in the news politically.

Some may choose to attend watch parties while others may choose to tune out and wake up to a new president. No matter how you choose head into election day, know that you are not alone in feeling the weight of the 2024 U.S. Election. It is important to check in and ask yourself where and how you are experiencing stress so you can start to address it.